Portugal is gratingly beautiful, and here’s why you should definitely never ever go.
1. The Beaches
I mean, come on… Do I really have to put this in the list? You know, right?? You know. Nothing to see here, folks. Keep moving.
2. The Mountains, the Views, and the Waterfalls
You might know about Portugal’s beaches, but did you know that Portugal has mountain views like this? It’s unfair for a country to have both really.
3. The Cities
Porto and Lisbon might be big cities, but they look like spectacular little hamlets. Not worth your time, really.
4. The Villages
Speaking of hamlets, this is what Portugal’s villages look like. Unbelievable…
5. The Transport
Are you worried about being able to visit Portugal’s sights without a car? Don’t be. You can see every stupidly gorgeous place for a couple of Euros and a ride on a train, subway, or bus. You don’t need that convenience, right? Go somewhere else.
6. The Markets
Fresh food markets, tourist gift markets, arts markets, flea markets, you name it, and there’s probably one going on within a 10 mile radius of you at all times while you’re in Portugal. It’s sickening.
7. Port and House Wine
Going to Porto and not having port wine should get you thrown in traveler’s jail. You can’t risk that, so don’t come. And if you’re getting tipsy, you definitely should not have lunch for a couple of Euros at some small Portuguese restaurant where you’ll get to drink a pitcher of house wine for free.
8. Espressos, Meia de Leite, and Outdoor Cafés
I love me some coffee culture, and Portugal’s got it in spades. Damn you, Portugal, for being so awesome. I mean, nope. Nope, it’s bad. It’s all bad. Stay away.
9. The Food
Portugal has seafood, francesinha, and the most delectable beer snacks you’ve ever set eyes on. Whatever you eat in Portugal, you can’t go wrong. And for the love of God, if you’re in Viana do Castelo, eat a bola de Berlin. DO NOT miss out on Portugal’s pastries or I’ll come hunt you down. But why should you risk such a fate? Just stay away from Portugal, and save yourself the hassle of me Liam Neesoning you.
9. The Weird Art
Take a good long look at every art installation in Portugal for a couple of really good WTF moments. Too WTF, I’d say. Best not to explore Portugal’s art.
11. The Architecture
Elaborate, delicate old buildings are scattered everywhere throughout Portugal from the biggest cities to the smallest villages. It’s a photographer’s dreamland. But you’re not a photographer, so what’s the point? Right? Am I right? Yeah, I’m right. No point in coming, I guess.
12. The Sunsets, the Weather, and the Tan You’ll Get
Okay, I give up. Portugal’s amazing. Is this even real life?
Have you been to Portugal? What did you love? And if you’ve never been, which of the above photos totally convinced you to stay the heck away. Let me know in the comments!